I’ve sat across from many angry people as they blasted their mates. I’ve heard yelling and screaming and sometimes cursing. While I do not promote this as any type of healthy communication (it’s certainly not), I am actually encouraged by the fighting between many couples in my office.
Why is that? Because when couples fight, I know there is hope. Their passions and desires drive them to buck what is not good and fuel them to want change. While these couples have a great deal to work on and problems to most definitely work through, these fighting couples are the ones I see survive. Because they still care. And they want to make it right.
It’s the troubled couples who actually aren’t fighting that most alarm me. These couples (or one of the mates) have entered into a dangerous area that’s difficult to coax or motivate them out of it – apathy.
What is Apathy?
Simply put, apathy is when you just stop caring. Your head tells you there’s a problem, but your heart doesn’t care anymore to fix it. You feel no motivation and no interest. You are unwilling to put forth any energy or effort toward something because, well, you just don’t care.
Apathy in a relationship doesn’t happen overnight. It’s subtle and creeps in over time. One argument, one belittling comment, one frustration at a time. Eventually, numbness sets in and you feel you have nothing left to give to the relationship.
What Does Apathy Look Like in a Relationship?
Apathy can appear in many different forms, but the underlying theme is the same – a lack of interest or concern in the other person and in the relationship.
Apathy shows up when we take our mates for granted. When we take our spouses for granted, we stop showing appreciation and consideration for them. We expect them to play their role or carry their weight without us showing gratitude or appreciation for them. We take our mates for granted when we treat them disrespectfully by not acknowledging them or making eye contact when we speak to them or when they speak to us.
Both sides of this can lead to apathy. Over time, it’s easy to disconnect from the mate who is taking us for granted just as it easy for us to disconnect from the mate we take for granted.
Apathy shows up when we spend less time together. Couples who once enjoyed watching tv together at night or taking a walk together or having a fun weekend together begin to go their separate ways and do their own thing. Though they are in the same home, they may retreat to the tv or computer alone or busy themselves with the children without making an effort to connect with their spouse.
As a couple spends less and less time together, it’s more difficult to rekindle intimacy and so the apathetic mate may seek that intimacy elsewhere – with friends or other family or children or even in an affair.
Apathy shows up when we avoid conflict. A tell-tale sign of an apathetic spouse is the unwillingness to face conflicts with your mate. Maybe it’s because it seems pointless to have the same fight over and over again. Maybe you recall your feelings or concerns being dismissed in the past, so you shove your hurt or anger down to avoid being rejected again.
Over time, you put your energy into avoiding the conflict rather than addressing it. By sweeping your feelings under the rug, apathetic mates start to build walls of resentment that are quite difficult to tear down.
Apathy shows up when physical intimacy goes away. As goes the relationship, so goes the sex. When emotional intimacy is strong, so is physical intimacy and visa versa. When quality time together disappears and bitterness sets it, sexual intimacy in the relationship takes a hiatus also. Apathetic couples look more like roommates than spouses as they avoid one another in order to avoid any awkward physical contact.
The apathetic spouse will begin to reject their mate and this results in a great deal of insecurities, pain, and loneliness for the rejected mate.
Can We Recover From Apathy?
Yes, but it’s not easy. And it requires a great deal of communication and work – something the apathetic mate may likely not want to do. If you’re not the apathetic mate, recovery might not even be your choice. These situations often require relationship counseling in order to reconnect and rebuild the intimacy. Here are a few steps necessary in recovering from apathy.
Acknowledge the problem. It doesn’t matter if the apathetic one is you or your mate – acknowledge and address the disconnect. Ask your mate for a conversation. Avoid placing blame and showing anger. Instead, be open in how the lack of concern and effort has affected the relationship and let your mate know you’d like to reconnect.
Be specific in the ways the withdrawal has harmed your relationship. Again, this must be done without anger or blame if you hope to be productive. List some of your observations of the state of your relationship and then what you hope for in a happier and healthier relationship. Perhaps you miss spending time together and would like to share some of your special moments together again. Or you have noticed a lack of intimacy and would like to rekindle the romance and have sex more regularly.
Give your mate time to respond. If your mate is receptive to what you’ve shared, allow him/her to respond. Maybe they will echo your sentiments and agree to work on things or to see a counselor for help on your relationship. Perhaps they are willing to share with you what it is they want and need from the relationship. However, if you’re met with anger or more apathy, ask if you may give your mate some time to process the things you said. Propose that you revisit the topic in a day or two after they’ve had time and space to process their emotions.
Remember that recovering from apathy has many layers. Just as the apathy didn’t set it overnight, it won’t go away overnight either. There are layers of hurt, resentment and a slew of other buried feelings to uncover. It may feel like opening Pandora’s box as you navigate the many issues at hand.
For this reason, I encourage working through the more difficult problems with a trained counselor who can help walk you through the work needed to rebuild the intimacy in your relationship. The first step is choosing to do so. Make that choice by contacting me today and let’s get moving toward healing.
– Joel D. Walton