“I knew marriage would be hard, but isn’t sex supposed to be the easy part?”

Anyone who grew up in the church was taught that if you “saved yourself” for marriage, your married sex life would be awesome. The reality many couples face is often quite different. Sex in marriage is often much more complicated than we were told, and sadly many couples struggle for years in this area. This is due to many reasons, including profound differences between spouses . Well beyond gender, couples must reckon with differences in desire, expectations, and particular preferences. Our extensive differences mean a great sex life doesn’t just happen; rather, it takes time, intentionality, and lots of practice. And in order to know one another and to grow emotionally and spiritually in this area of marriage, open conversation between spouses is critical.

What The Bible Teaches and Doesn’t Teach About Sex

Discussions about sex between husbands and wives find their basis in the Bible’s own teaching about sex. “Be fruitful and multiply,” but often one spouse may have theological misunderstandings of what a healthy relationship looks like. Scripture may not prescribe (or forbid) specific sexual behaviors in marriage, amount, or positions, but it does teach the importance of sex as a service of love. In fact, there is really only one “how to” passage for marital sexuality:

• Each spouse’s body belongs to the other, and a primary function of sex is to serve and bless each other. The ethic that runs throughout the New Testament applies to sex in marriage: we are to selflessly serve, thinking of the other first.
• Couples should become “servant lovers” and always consider their spouse above themselves. Christians know that they are to look out for others’ interests besides our own, but this principle often gets overlooked in the bedroom.

But in order to serve one another, we must understand one another. Instead of feeling ashamed, couples should talk about their intimacy regularly. Here are three important aspects of this ongoing conversation.

1.  What Do We Prefer?

Because we’re built and wired differently, spouses need to continually teach each other and learn from each other. Unless you talk about your body—what feels good and what doesn’t, which behaviors are exciting and which are awkward, uncomfortable, or even painful—your spouse won’t know. Spouses need to talk before, during, and after physical intimacy. This is certainly true at the beginning of marriage, but the conversation should be ongoing.

Spouses must also have frank conversations about frequency, allowing the call to selfless service to shape expectations and navigate the differences between them. When does love for my spouse mean I need to surrender my desire for sexual gratification? How should I bless my spouse and serve him or her, even though I’m not “feeling it”?

God wants us to learn the dance of loving service, but not with manipulating to get our way or pouting when we don’t. Serving the other doesn’t mean suppressing personal opinions and desires. Being honest and communicating minimizes missteps. Understanding the stressors our spouses are experiencing in the home, at work, and even physically helps us navigate our desires and discern how to serve in specific situations. And while Scripture doesn’t address every specific sexual act in the marriage bed, it does prescribe a self-giving framework. As you talk with your spouse, consider your desires in light of these questions:

• Will my spouse feel loved and cherished through this activity?
• Will our sexual expression promote a sense of comfort and safety in this vulnerable act of love?
• Will this behavior enhance my spouse’s joy and flourishing?

2.  What Is Problematic?

Often couples find that they, especially the women, can feel insecure about their bodies. They may feel like they can’t live up to the images of beautiful women they see in magazines and on television. Couples should also discuss how their sexuality has been affected by the fall. Shame from previous sexual experiences, as well as past (or present) porn use, can adversely affect the marriage bed and contribute to sexual challenges. The past sins of others can also have implications for marital intimacy, and survivors of abuse may find married sexual expression especially difficult.

Many haven’t shared their sexual history with their spouse. But shame is undone by exposing past hurts and sins in safety. Although your spouse is the most important person to be invited into these hidden places, it may be necessary to include a trusted spiritual leader or counselor to help you navigate this path together.

But past sin and trauma isn’t the only potential problem in marital intimacy. Trust in a marriage isn’t only for the bedroom, but for all of life, and in every facet of our lives.  Also, know this: consent is a big deal, even inside of marriage. Especially inside of marriage. There are going to be certain behaviors your spouse won’t desire or will even find repellent. Because God’s design for sexual expression is other-focused, there is no room for non-consensual sexual activity. Spouses must be free to communicate how certain behaviors affect them.

We seem to know the technical parts of sex, but too often we neglect to learn about the emotional ones. Human sexuality is rooted in the psychological details of our lives and our emotional history shapes our erotic blueprint. Sometimes, this can cause a lot of problems if not met with openness and honesty. And being honest with yourself first about what you need from your physical relationship is the first step to being honest with your spouse. Let’s say that again. Being honest with yourself is the first step to being honest with your spouse.

Many sexual problems inside of marriage may require a medical approach and can be addressed during a visit with your doctor. Schedule an appointment if you experience a lack of sexual interest, physical pain with intercourse, anxiety, personality disorders and/or mental illness, sleep issues, inability to reach orgasm, or if you take medication causing low testosterone/estrogen or other medical issues. Any of these issues can apply to or affect both men and women. Others are equally important in the need to properly address with a licensed therapist, including:

• Past Sexual Trauma/Abuse – Sadly, this can often be the catalyst for countless issues that prevent many people from enjoying a healthy sexual relationship with their spouse. Fortunately, with the help of a trained therapist, this means you can enjoy a healthy sex life with your spouse. Abuse can also cause a lot of performance fears. Or it can have the opposite effect – resulting in hypersexual desires in regard to quantity and types of sexual proclivities. Hiding that hurt will only serve to blacken your marriage and your future.
• Pornography – Another form of sexual abuse or trauma could be an early discovery of porn – whether in print or on-line. It may also be in the form of exposure to a sexual act they watched as a younger child that they didn’t understand but were drawn to – causing them to fantasize about it. Early imprinting can have some rather long-term effects in regard to interests and desires later in life. Likewise, porn addictions can create significant relationship issues in regard to performance and expectations. It’s also a path to acting out physically with someone who’s not your partner.
• Emotional Affairs – One of the major factors to affairs is the use of social media to connect with old loves or to simply “find out” how that one that “got away” is doing. People can find themselves in an emotional or physical affair. There is healing from an affair, but it does take the willingness of both parties to rebuild their relationship and work to affair-proof their relationship.

3. What Can the Future Hold?

Ultimately, sex is one thing about humanity that will never go away. God created and ordained sex as a blessing for married couples and we shouldn’t forget that. Though these reasons help us to understand why we struggle to discuss sex with our mates, we cannot stop there. Sex is an important part of healthy marriages. Therefore, communication and conversations about sex are crucial to a happy and healthy relationship. Various life stages present different challenges.

Of course, over the course of marriage, a couple’s sexual relationship will change. In some ways (hopefully!) it will mature and deepen. A couple’s developmental stages will certainly affect their sexual relationship. The years with young children bring challenges, as do physical changes or health issues over decades. At every stage of your marriage, couples need to talk openly about their sexual relationship. Continuing to discuss your intimacy over the years will help both of you to manage expectations and renew your focus on each other.

Sex may not be easy. But a lifelong conversation will help, so start talking. You may benefit from the professional training of a counselor to help facilitate these conversations. Call me and let’s start the mending today!

– Joel