We’ve never been more connected to other people than we are today. With the touch of a button we can chat or video with people all over the globe. There are countless apps and websites to give us immediate access to photos, videos, calls, and messaging with other people. While this can be advantageous in many ways, it also creates easy opportunities to find yourself in an emotional affair (or worse).
What is an Emotional Affair?
Many people think an affair happens when a married person has sex with someone besides their spouse. However, affairs usually begin way before anything physical occurs. We call these emotional affairs. It’s when you invest more emotional energy into someone outside of your marriage. It’s a form of micro-cheating.
You may be in an emotional affair if:
- You make frequent contact with someone of the opposite sex (not your mate) when you are not together. You spend a lot of time emailing, texting, video chatting, or messaging through an app with this person. And it’s likely at all hours of the day and night (maybe when your spouse has already gone to bed).
- You talk about personal things like problems in your marriage. You get support from this person (who is only hearing your side of things, by the way) and share about things going on in your life that you used to share with your spouse.
- You think about this person all the time – when you wake up, when you go to bed, and through the hours of the day.
- You compare your spouse to this person and your spouse loses out as you focus on your mate’s flaws.
- You enjoy the attention (even if only through social media) of this person and disregard the attention of your mate.
- You act secretive with hidden apps, deleted messages or emails, and changing your passwords to keep your mate from finding your conversations with this person.
Social Media & Emotional Affairs
The number of social media channels out there shows how much we enjoy sharing about ourselves and seeing what others are sharing. There’s Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, WhatsApp, and probably a slew of apps I’ve didn’t even know existed.
Many people are “friends” or “followers” with folks they have known throughout their lives. This includes old flames or “ones who got away.” Harmless, right? Not necessarily.
It’s so easy to “catch up” with someone special from your past and then feel those old embers begin to light back up. I’ve sat with countless individuals who have come into my office and told me they were just curious about what their old boyfriends/girlfriends have been up to. Something as innocent as “catching up” became a pretty regular amount of communication. Eventually this blossomed into romantic feelings and next thing they knew, they were messaging and chatting with this special someone way too frequently and the conversation moved beyond the casual chit chat into more personal talk. Before they knew it, they had developed feelings for this person – and some had even moved into a physical affair.
How Do They Impact Your Marriage?
Emotional affairs are far from innocent and their impact is eventually felt in the marriage. Some emotional affairs are more harmful than physical ones because so much of your time and emotions are invested in the relationship. Here are just a few of the issues sure to arise from an emotional affair:
- You spend more time on the phone than you do with your mate. It’s hard enough to prioritize quality time with your mate when you have jobs, kids, and day to day life. You are in essence, stealing time from your spouse to give to this other person. When we don’t prioritize our mates above others, we aren’t investing in the marriage.
- You will pull away emotionally from your mate. Where you used to share exciting news or pour out your frustrations or struggles to your mate, you’re now sharing that with someone else and don’t feel like telling your mate. This loosens the emotional bond between you and your spouse.
- Your spouse will notice a change in your behavior and likely question you about it. Now there’s lying on your part and a lack of trust from your spouse. Arguments will brew as you react defensively and angrily at accusations. This issues amplify because you’ll likely turn to that affair to vent or complain about the arguments.
- Your marital foundation is that of love and trust. But, pouring emotionally into another sets you up for falling in love with another person and violates the love within your marriage. Withholding this relationship from your mate (so you can continue) violates the trust. You’ve now risk two necessary elements in any marriage.
How Do I Prevent an Emotional Affair?
There are many things you can do to protect yourself, your mate, and your marriage from the hurt of an emotional affair. It requires putting a prevention plan in place and sticking to it – you AND your mate. Here are some guardrails that couples I’ve worked with have put in place to keep themselves in the right lane:
- Always share your passwords to email, social media, and your phone with your mate. Knowing they have access may hinder you from sending inappropriate messages or communicating too frequently with an old flame.
- Don’t share personal information with anyone of the opposite sex. Save conversations about your feelings and your struggles for your mate – even if they are about your mate. If you need to speak with someone else, choose a trusted mentor of the same gender, a trusted pastor, or a trained counselor.
- Avoid riding in cars or being in closed offices alone with members of the opposite sex. If this cannot be avoided, consider asking a third person to join you or leave the door to the office open.
- Invest in your marriage. Anyone praying over, serving in, and focusing on their marriage will be much less likely to notice another person or entertain attention from another person. Affairs begin much more easily when there are already underlying issues or resentment in the marriage.
What Do I Do If I’m in an Emotional Affair?
If you’re early on in the emotional affair, you may think I’m exaggerating. Don’t be tempted to think that. Anyone who has gone through an emotional affair will tell you how it escalates and the damage it causes. End it now. I cannot express this enough. End it now.
This may mean “unfriending” or even “blocking” someone on social media. It doesn’t matter if they understand why or if it hurts their feelings. They are not as important as your mate. If you’ve been texting, block the number on your cell phone. You cannot let feelings fizzle out or die if you continue to stay in contact with this person. You may think you’re strong enough to keep in touch, but you’re not – your emotions are not.
This is going to scare you and you likely will disagree with me, but I have to encourage it anyway – go tell your mate. Tell your mate that you find yourself enjoying the company or attention of someone else a little too much. Tell your mate you feel you’ve had too much communication with someone else. Tell them. It’s going to be a hard conversation, and, yes, they may be mad. But, hear me please…it’s MUCH better that you tell them than you get found out.
Though they may be mad at first, you both will heal more quickly if you’re upfront and honest. Also, having your secret attraction out in the light now may make it less appealing and you may find that your “blinders” come off. The hurt on their spouse’s face is enough for some to stop the emotional affair. The confession is enough to move many toward change and away from the affair.
Marriage isn’t easy. And marriages struggling through an emotional affair are even harder. If you or your mate has had an emotional affair, seek help from an unbiased, trained professional. Don’t try to sweep it under the rug. A counselor will help you uncover any underlying problems that left your marriage susceptible to an affair in the first place and will give you the tools to prevent future ones. The counselor will also help open up the lines of communication between you and your spouse so that forgiveness, healing, and bonding can happen. I’m here to help. Let’s get started healing.
-Joel D. Walton