It’s been said; if your dreams don’t scare you, they’re probably not big enough. While that may be true, most of us are not so much afraid of dreaming, as we’re afraid of the results of failing big.
As a counselor, I’ve seen how one of the biggest hurdles for many is the lack of tolerance to manage failures. However, for some others – call it resiliency, grit, or just the willingness to step out and be vulnerable – those who are resilient seem to have a skill others don’t. I often tell parents, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to teach them how to fail. Not because it’s fun, or the place we want them to stay, but it’s an important part of life. Our greatest problem is we fear failing more than we desire success. As a result we often don’t see failure for what it really is – the path to success.
“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
– Michael Jordan: May 19th 1997
While the words of Michael Jordan should free us, too many of us become frozen with fear when faced with failure. Resilient people have a remarkable ability to tolerate the distress of failure. They are able to face hard times – professional and personal – with determination to do their best and confidence they’ll be able to handle whatever life throws their way. But how do they do it? What’s their secret? Here’s a list of 5 things resilient people learned about failure and why we need to stop letting the fear of failure paralyze us from succeeding.
5 Truths About Resilient People
#1. Resilient people see failure as a part of life.
Resilient people see that failure is an integral and profound part of life. If they aren’t failing, they’re not trying hard enough. Success and failure are viewed as part of the same process. They don’t blame other; they don’t use it as a reason to give up. They see failure as a means to their goal. Thomas Edison didn’t fail 10,000 times to invent the lightbulb, rather he found 10,000 ways not to do it! Resilient people don’t enjoy failing, but they see failure as a part of the journey. They don’t let failure define who they are, nor are they worried about what others think of them. They accept that failure is the price they pay for success and they are willing to pay the price to ultimately achieve their goal.
#2. Resilient people have a sense of worthiness.
Resilient people have a sense of worthiness beyond their failure. They don’t worry or let the opinions of others affect their identity or goals. They don’t worry who likes them, or who approves of them, or what the neighbors may think. They have a cohesive narrative of their own life, as well as, a firm identity beyond their success or failure. They believe in what they are doing, and they don’t look at how many likes they have on Facebook to know they are on the right path!
#3. Resilient people have a strong sense of love and belonging.
Resilient people believe they are loved not for what they do, but for who they are. Not because they succeed, but because their identity is based on something other than their success. One of the biggest obstacles to success is the fear we’re not lovable if we fail. Resilient people see their identity beyond any personal or professional success or failure. It’s also not based on how they feel emotionally at any given time. Having a strong sense of love and belonging gives them the freedom to risk and explore life that others often can’t for fear they will disappoint others. They have a sense of belonging that gives them a willingness to be vulnerable in front of others. Their vulnerability gives them authenticity many of us would view as weakness. They believe what makes them vulnerable ultimately makes them lovable, rather than that which makes them successful. Success is about risk, and those who don’t feel worthy don’t risk.
#4. Resilient people have the courage to be imperfect.
Resilient people have the courage to be broken and don’t mind what others think of them. They don’t see themselves as having all the answers, and they aren’t afraid of failing in the attempt to find them. They are able to see life and failure as neither good nor bad, and they can tolerate the discomfort of seeing themselves as something in between. Most resilient people know they are imperfect,; yet they are comfortable in their own skin. Resilient people have the ability to risk because neither failure nor success defines who they are.
#5. Resilient people use failure as a springboard for a bigger and better plan.
Resilient people use their failure to build a plan for success. From their failure they develop the confidence to withstand repeated failure with tenacity. They use failure as a teacher, a process of elimination. It’s all about the choices and the desire to become better. Resilient people also have the flexibility to alter their plan. They are not lap-tied to some specific idea, but rather are willing to change their approach based on their conditions. They use their setbacks as opportunities to learn and to make improvements. Resilient people are always looking to make improvements rather than impressions on others.
If you’re currently dealing with the results of failure in your life, I encourage you to see it as a process rather than a characterization of your self worth. Neither your success nor your failures define who you are. Some of the biggest successes in human history, whether personal or professional, were born on the ashes of deep profound failure. When we consider our modern medical and technological advancements, where would we be had those champions thrown in the towel at the first sign of failure? Success is more about your willingness to been seen as a failure over a guarantee to be seen as a success. If you’re struggling to see your way past some personal failure, or if your feel your life isn’t what you’d hope it to be, I encourage you to reach out and contact me at MendedLife.com for a free 15 minute consolation.
-Joel Walton